Signs of Outgrowing Friendship
We rarely put much thought into our friendships. Usually, they develop naturally and find a way to remain stable even in times of significant change and turbulence. Yet, sometimes those exact times of change and turbulence are precisely what it takes to take an honest look at our friendships and truly understand what they mean to us and whether we’re still as much a part of them as we were when they began. In other words, what about outgrowing friends?
In true social media fashion, I recently found myself scrolling through my newsfeed only to land in some old tweets with a friend. I ridiculously laughed at the silly us. So what happened? Well, we grew apart. And while the reasons we grew apart made sense in hindsight, I still felt a little sad. I don’t think I’m alone in that sentiment. We all deal with friendships that take a different turn than expected, and it can be hard to deal. Honestly, losing the thread of connection with a close friend sometimes feels more heartbreaking than the end of any romantic relationship.
If you read the title of this article and a certain friend just popped into your head, you already know that there’s a problem. If you’ve found yourself questioning a friendship, here’s a list of MY signs you’ve outgrown it.
1. You are in a different season or phase of life.
To me, the most bittersweet type of outgrowing a friendship occurs when two people are just in totally different seasons of life. This isn’t to say that all of your friends need to be cookie-cutter versions of you and want the exact same thing but it helps to have a similar drive, outlook, and aim in life.
You want to travel the world, your friend is loving her life in a small town. You’re a career focused person who’s climbing a ladder and she’s happy with a freelance gig. You’re going through a breakup and she just got engaged. You are pregnant and she’s struggling with infertility. You love politics and she prefers The Shade-room. Your wallet feels tight, and your friend just got a huge bonus. And the list goes on.
It’s not that either of you are ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than the other; it’s just that your passions don’t really line up anymore and your lifestyles have changed as a result. As the quote goes, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Friendships may fade, but they’ve likely served their purpose, which means you can take what you’ve learned and apply it to the rest of the relationships in your life.
2. Disagreeing on a fundamental level.
It’s easy to get close to someone and focus on what you have in common or how well you get on, which is why we rarely share our fundamental values early on. If you realize that your opinions don’t match up at all, it’s a big red flag.
You believe in religion, your friend doesn’t believe there’s such thing.. imagine not being able to talk about God in any way with your friend. You believe in hard-work, your friend believes in luck. You respect all human being despite their occupations, your friend mistreats their house help. If you getting to know a friend even more and realize that you don’t agree on some pretty core values, you’re probably not well suited for a long term friendship.
3. You don’t feel supported.
Support doesn’t necessarily have to be tangible. A friend’s support could be emotionally, mentally, physically or financially. However it’s important to communicate on how you want to be supported by your friend, their way of support might not be your way of support.
If it’s one sided then you are most likely to drift away, and if you find yourself in a situation where you don’t feel or see the need to support your friend then you are outgrowing the friendship. If they don’t celebrate or congratulate your wins or be little your win, that’s a red flag too. Friends support each other at any way that is within their reach.
4. You are hiding certain aspects of your life from them.
Anything can mark a desire of different friendship, for instance mistrust, deceitful or judgments. If you feel you cannot share a good news or a life decision with them, without them either becoming jealous or judgmental it’s time to let that friendship go. Being supportive to friends includes constructive criticism, however, persistent negativity can really mess with your emotional and mental health.
5. Can’t get past a fight.
Fights happen from time to time in friendship and friends work out their difference, forgive each other and move forward. Failure to get past a fight, holding grudges and being resentful, is an indicator of not being able to move forward as friends.
Maybe there’s something you just can’t let go of, or there’s an argument you never fully resolved. It’s sad, but there’s no point continuing a friendship if it hurts too much!
6. You don’t really care to connect.
You know that friend who never texts? Or doesn’t return your phone calls, or is always “busy” when you try to make plans? Yeah, me too. In contrast, what if you’re the person going MIA (Missing In Action) on your friends? Be honest with yourself, and figure out why you’re backing off in the first place.
Also there’s deciding between an awkward conversation, bluntness that could hurt feelings, or going the vague avoidance route. My advice is to do what feels right in a thoughtful fashion. There’s no reason to burn bridges, you can simply indicate that you don’t have extra capacity for friendship right then.
7. You start craving new friends.
One of my best friends these days is someone I didn’t know a year ago. How incredible is that? And she came about due to my experience in media industry, since we had that in common. It’s not that my old friends no longer mattered, but due to other circumstances, I really wanted to build out a new friend that understood the day-in, day-out realities of the new path that I had chosen.
So there’s this saying that says “old is gold” real talk is: Keep both! The most beautiful thing about outgrowing a friendship is that it opens up room for other, better connections. Whatever it is, honor what you need, and look for friendships that add to your life rather than subtract from it.
8. Run out of things to talk about.
About last month in my feeds I saw a long time friend on Instagram who used to be my best friend in school, that’s like 15yrs ago, and at the moment we were both excited to finally get in contact with each other, but guess what, we could barely go an hour texting. There was no conversational chemistry.
Now, if you can’t talk to each other, then chances are high you won’t enjoy spending time together, and without those two things, you can’t really call it a friendship. Move on and call it good.
Outgrowing is necessary, we are in a constant state of change and that change is associated with trials and tribulations. Every event that happens during our growth cycles is necessary. We must all prioritize our growth, and if we outgrow people in the process it was necessary. You aren’t a bad friend and you aren’t selfish. The people who are supposed to be in your life will admire your growth. They will cheer you on as you navigate gracefully throughout life.
So stop feeling guilty, it’s okay to outgrow your friends and if fate would have it, they might just grow with you.
